Here are some words of wisdom a wise man once taught me. They have no relevance to anything, but that never stopped me before.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead.
Yakko Warner

Swallowing angry words before you say them is better than having to eat them later.

All the world's a stage, and I'm the extra that gets killed in the transporter accident.
David Faria

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.

Put not your trust in the princes of this world, for they will frig thee up and so shalt their governments, even unto the ends of the Earth.
Stephen King

People who think they know everything always piss off those of us who really do.

The answer to the great question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is . . . Forty-two.
Douglas Adams

Wise men talk because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.

If at first you succeed, hide your astonishment.
Sean Palmer

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.

Don't panic.
Douglas Adams

Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handy

For peace of mind, resign as General Manager of the Universe.

Any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
Douglas Adams

People who are in it up to their ears should keep their mouth shut.

Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much . . . the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
Douglas Adams

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later.
Douglas Adams

Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall.

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
Douglas Adams

If God thought that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.

Many a man thinks he has an open mind, when it is merely vacant.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was in convincing the world he didn't exist.
C.S. Lewis

Don't whiz on the electric fence.
Sven Hoek

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance.

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

When in Rome, do the Romans.
David Faria

Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

"Yes, well there are a lot of bleeding hearts around who just don't like to see people with helmets and guns. All I can say is, go on and bleed. But it is more important to keep law and order in the society than to worry about weak-kneed people who don't like the looks of [soldiers.]"
"At any cost? How far would you go with that? How far would you extend that?"
"Well, just watch me."
Pierre Trudeau

All your base are belong to us.

I have surveyed many American penises and have always found them slightly wanting both in length and thickness.... Yes, Canuck schlongs are markedly bigger when inspected. What's incredible is that this is still while they are shrunk from the cold. Think on that!
Generals Claire and Jenny

There is no such thing as "too polite" when we are at war. Enemies do not suspect people who say "please" and "thank you" of malevolence. Advantage: Canada!
General Jenny

Of course the world is watching us. The world will be a bit astonished by what it sees. I admit, because in today's world, you see, things are unstable, to say the least. The parameters are changing...and that means that there is fire and blood in the Middle-East, in Afghanistan, in Iran, in Vietnam; that means that there is inflation which is crippling the free economy; that means that there is division in the world; that means there is perhaps a third of the human race that goes to bed hungry every night, because there is not enough food and not enough medicine to keep the children in good health. And that world is looking at Canada...a country that is composed of the meeting of the two most outstanding cultures of the Western world...added to by all the other cultures coming from every corner of Europe and every corner of the world. And this is what the world is looking at with astonishment, saying: These people think they might split up today when the whole world is interdependent? When Europe is trying to seek some kind of political union? These people in Quebec and in Canada want to split it up? They want to to take it away from their children? They want to break it down? NO. That's what I am answering.
Pierre Trudeau

Being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope.... When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
God according to Futurama

God's Final Message to His Creation: We apologize for the inconvenience.
Douglas Adams

Life was such a wheel that no man could stand upon it for long.
And it always, at the end, came round to the same place again.
Stephen King

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

(C) 2000-2003 David Faria