April 2004

Cup of Soup

Thu, Apr 1, 2004

Up Close and Personal

Last night I was fortunate enough to be given a ticket to the St Michael's Buzzers Celebrity Dinner, where I came face to face with the likes of current and past stars Matt Stajan, Tom Fitzgerald, Dick Duff, and Mark Napier.

Also, I was almost run over in the parking lot by Leaf defenseman Ken Klee. It was a very eventful evening.

Sun, Apr 11, 2004


Happy Easter everyone!

May God bless you and your loved ones, and - though I'm sure He has more important things to do than fix sporting events - may God bless the Maple Leafs in their Quest for the Cup.

Mon, Apr 12, 2004

The Eagle Soars


Five shutouts in his last eight games. He is determination and ambition incarnate.

Thu, Apr 15, 2004

Everybody's Doing It...

A classic meme from Sextuple-L, RoJo, et al.

1. Grab the nearest book, turn to page 18, line 4. Write down what it says.
"à esquerda - to the left - on the left" - from Teach Yourself Portuguese by Manuela Cook.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
The mutant rapid-turnover plant.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Leafs vs Sens, game 4. No, not Darcy! Not Joe!! Not Mats, too!! NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
11:30 AM

5. Now look at the clock; what is the actual time?
11:39 AM

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The hum of fluroescent lights, office-tower climate-control fans, several people typing, and the distant chatter of financial experts and frustrated help-centre receptionists.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
This morning, walking to the train en route to work.

8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
The company's student website on which I should be working right now.

9. What are you wearing?
Blue button-up shirt, and khakis. Call me and treat me to dinner if you want to find out what's under that.

10. Did you dream last night?
Yes. Some tourists had a giant malfunctioning capuccino maker in their trunk, and were trying to fix it. It was squealing and steaming, and I was quite sure it was going to explode, so I took cover behind a rock. Someone I used to know in high school was sheltering himself there as well, and started to speak to me in secret-agent-like cryptic statements, like "I talked to Carla. Yeah, 4799.9".

11. When did you last laugh?
I always get the last laugh. I am either vengeful or think slowly.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
The wall behind me has a big chart of all the portions of our project that need to be implemented, with little sticky notes on them indicating who is responsibile for each. My name is on a lot of little notes.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
The guy sitting in front of me is kind of odd.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's a quality waste of my time.

15. What is the last film you saw?
In theatre, Starsky and Hutch. Ho hum.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A big house/condo downtown and some beer-commercial women to fill it. If that read muti-billionaire, I would buy the Toronto Maple Leafs so we could finally kick out the Teacher's Pension Plan, cleanse the organisation of the curse of Harold Ballard, and make it a club intent on winning many Cups instead of winning many dollars.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I don't take praise well, partly because I don't want the ego, and partly because it makes me feel like a target; there's too much attention on me. Being bullied as a kid does stick with you.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Change the driving force of human existence from personal gain to the betterment of humanity. I think it's a good approach because it would effectively solve the world's problems and I would have to do the minimum amount of work.

19. Do you like to dance?
My desire to dance (D) is directly proportional to the amount of beer in my system (B) and the attractiveness of the girl with me (A). Of course, A increases as B increases, so it can get kind of fuzzy from there (which is also caused by the increase of B).

20. George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I think that's pretty obvious.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Hey you...

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Why you little...!

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Not permanently, unless it was to retire to that pretty spot in Fiji to live out the rest of my days among the beer-commercial women, enjoying the sunshine, dancing, and watching videos of the Leafs many Cup victories.

Mon, Apr 19, 2004

The Best Thing Since Spam

If these devices were available in stores, they'd make a killing.

Wed, Apr 21, 2004

All Is Well

Rest assured everyone. The sky is not falling; the Earth is not crumbling; the fabric of space-time is not tearing at its seams. Physicists may get a good night's rest knowing that one of the fundamental constants of the universe was upheld last night: The Toronto Maple Leafs defeated the Ottawa Senators in the playoffs.

Four post-season meetings in five years. Four times the Battle of Ontario has raged, and four times the Leafs have emerged victorious. I know I will sleep soundly with a smile on my face tonight knowing that.

Tue, Apr 27, 2004

Kitchen Lady

When you work in a large office, and generally in the same spot everyday, there are certain people in the office that you're bound to go without seeing for long periods of time, simply because neither of you have a reason to go over to the other person's work area. There are several people here at my office with whom I have this rarely-see relationship, and it's not uncommon for those streaks of non-contact to be broken (when they are broken) in the kitchen, when getting a cup of coffee, heating up my lunch, or flipping through the newspaper on the side table pretending to not watch snooker on the wall-mounted television.

There is another class of coworker - far more mysterious than the first - that I only encounter in the kitchen. There is one person here whose actual desk I have never seen, whose cubicle I have never passed, and whose work I have never crossed. Not only have I only seen her in the office kitchen, but I see her there all the time.

I call her the kitchen lady.

I walk in early in the morning to get a coffee and she's there, slicing a grapefruit. I enter sometime in the afternoon to nuke my lunch and she's there, tearing leaves of lettuce. I go in at some random point in the day, and more often than not, she's there, sipping a drink, flipping through the paper, and pretending to not watch soap operas on afternoon TV.

I have pretend conversations with her in my head in the morning. "Good morning, Kitchen Lady!" I call with a smile. "How's the grapfruit this morning? That's a ripe one, isn't it?"

I examine the fruit and enquire on her slicing technique. "That's some very fine slicing. Tell me, do you use a simple wrist motion for better control, or do you get your entire arm into the slice for a more powerful stroke? What's the going rate for a quality office-grapefruit slicer these days? Do you come from a long line of grapefruit slicers, or are you breaking from family tradition and exploring new career paths on your own?"

Of course, we've both been here far too long to start off a day's conversation with "By the way, what exactly do you do here?", so I content myself with my little grapefruit theory. Dilbert should create a new character based on her. She could be Wally's sidekick. A mentor or protege, I'm not sure which is more appropriate. Maybe I will start calling here Wallina. Then I would be afraid of calling her that to her face, though, and that would be embarrassing. I suppose it's better than calling her "Kitchen Lady".

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